Learning through Motherhood....

Here's a little glimpse of our "crazy" week....

While the twins were supposed to be napping, Lauren decides to climb up to Lily's bunk and BITE her in the back - clearly a round circle that was already starting to bruise.  We have a biting problem.

While Landon was at music practice last night, I sat on the couch from 6:30 - 7:30 disciplining kids for fighting, whining, biting and screaming.  I decided that before I lost my sanity I should probably put them to bed early.  Distraught after a long day I sat in my bed eating M&M's while sobbing.  Thankfully Landon wasn't home for that one...he sees enough drama and tears.

I set my alarm clock this morning for 5:30 and didn't even hear it until 5:42.  Rascal Flatts sang to me for 12 minutes straight.  Thankfully I wore my "workout outfit" to bed so I could go straight to Walmart with crazy hair and no makeup.  I'm such a planner.  Yes, I'm that desperate to go to the store before Landon goes to work so I can avoid taking the kids. 

I got home just in time to watch Landon leave our room for work.  Half dressed.  And then I remembered our load of clean laundry that has been sitting in the dryer for two days.  And I smile (and cry a little bit) because I realize that I have an amazing husband that doesn't even care.  He just digs out something (now wrinkled) from the dryer and heads to work.  And then texts me later this morning and tells me I'm awesome (?!?!?). 

When I think of adding a fourth lately, I get a little overwhelmed.  Then I laugh at this line from Jim Gaffigan:

"Want to know what it's like to have a fourth?  Just imagine you are drowning, and them someone hands you a baby...."

So funny, but seriously how I feel these days.  If you need a laugh, you should click on his name...it will take you to a video clip.  

This morning, I picked up "Out of the Spin Cycle" by Jen Hatmaker and started reading one of my favorite chapters (Chapter 7, in case you have the book)

"Motherhood is like a pitcher with a whole in the bottom: a constant drain on our energy, patience, and tolerance. If nothing good is stored up, where are we possibly going to draw patience?  Grace?  Longsuffering?  young motherhood is too demanding to attempt without a deep connection to Christ."

{photo via pinterest}

As I was praying this morning, I remembered the sweet couple that lost their baby girl yesterday.  The family whose baby boy is struggling in the hospital and needs a heart transplant.  Sweet Rosalie who is still sleeping.  It really puts things into perspective for me.  Regardless of how badly my days go, I still have three sweet babies to tuck into bed, to bathe, to laugh with, and to discipline. I can wake up to three, beautiful, sweet (sometimes naughty) girls.  They need Jesus, but most of all they need to see a mommy who strives to be like Jesus.  I need to put good in, and good will flow out.  I become thankful....thankful for the great opportunity God has given me to be a mother.  Thankful for these hard times, where He teaches me that He is enough.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
II Corinthians 12:9

What Really Matters

{image via pinterest}

I've been thinking a lot the last couple weeks about what REALLY matters.  It's so easy to get caught up in the things of the world.  It is so easy as a woman to get caught up in Pinterest, Blogs, Facebook and Instagram.  Whether we realize it or not, these amazing technologies can have a negative effect on our thinking and our hearts.  For me, I begin to compare myself to others, feel inadequate, question myself as a mother, and feel like I need to be doing "more".  The last couple weeks the sermons at church have really had an impact on changing the way I think about these things.  

I wrote a little bit about the sermon on prayer a couple weeks ago.  I decided that instead of checking my phone first thing in the morning for emails, facebook, instagram notifications....I would go to my closet every morning and start my day with prayer.  It's amazing how it has already transformed my thought life and my relationships.  

This week the pastor spoke on the church of Laodicea and their lukewarmness.  With all the tornados that have occurred in our area, He brought up such an important question.  If I lost everything, would I still have everything?  How many things do I have that don't matter?  Where is my identity found?  My identity in Christ can never be taken away from me.  It's amazing how I can get caught up in the things of this world.  Why does it matter how many friends I have?  MY dreams?  How amazing my house looks?  How many people follow me on _____?   These are tough questions to answer, as they have held a huge importance in my life.  These are all good things, but as I answer them I feel silly and selfish when I realize the importance they hold in my life.

A few questions the pastor asked at the end of his sermon on being lukewarm.  

Do you spend more time thinking about making money and managing it, than how you can be a blessing to others?

When I struggle, or am tempted, do I want to face it alone?  Do I allow others to come beside me, do I search the word for counsel?  Do I gather people around me who will tell me what Christ says, not what the world says?

When I have small sins that linger in my soul, do I find myself with the desire to repent of them, or do I find myself excusing them away?

When I look at what really matters, I realize how rich I am.  I have Christ.  He has forgiven me and continues to forgive me.  I have an amazing family that God has given me.  I have friends that point me to truth and encourage me spiritually.  He has given me enough...maybe not everything I want, but most definitely everything I need.  

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.  So be earnest and repent.  Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. "

Revelation 3:20

Our God is Able!

{photo from pinterest}

Fail. Fail. Fail.  

That's what the devil wants me to believe about myself...that I'm a failure as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, or as a friend.  I have to tell you the last few days have been very discouraging for me.  Through the trenches of motherhood, I have been frustrated, discouraged, easily irritated and exhausted.  I keep thinking when I lay my head down at night that the next day will be better.  I sleep in..."forget" read my bible, "forget" to pray, and get stuck in the pit of self-pity all over again.  And finally, after the third day, I remember WHO to turn to.  

I love you.  I accept you.  I FORGIVE you.  

That's the gift that God has given me.  Why do I so easily forget that when trouble comes???  I'm so thankful that He picks us up when we are struggling, comforts us in His arms, forgives us of our sins and gives us the strength to get through any trial.  As much as I hate to face my failures, my insecurities, and my shortcomings...I am also thankful for them because it teaches me that I can't do anything in my own strength.  It reminds me who to look to for strength  love, patience, wisdom, security and comfort.

I'm so thankful He goes before us and will never forsake us!

" Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31.6

The lyrics to this song have been such a blessing to me today...

God Is Able - Hillsong

God is Able

He will never fail

He is almighty God

Greater than all we seek

Greater than all we ask

He has done great things

Lifted up, He defeated the grave

Raised to life, our God is able

In His name, we overcome

For the Lord, our God is able

God is with us

God is on our side

He will make a way

Far above all we know

Far above all we hope

He has done great things    

He will go before

He will never leave us

God is for us

He has open arms

He will never fail us

Be Still...

This week I have struggled emotionally and fallen into the trap of insecurity.  

Doubts about myself as a mother, a wife, a friend...

Thinking about my worth, my role, my job, our future....

Comparing myself to others...

Thinking about everything except TRUTH.  

When Landon called during lunch I expressed my emotions, unable to keep the tears from rolling down.  There were six little hands patting my back and holding my hands. Like a sweet and Godly husband he reminded me that these are all lies that I am believing about myself as a result of comparing to others.  He reminded me to "be still"...to remember that God has blessed me with talents, and that it might not necessarily be MY time to use those talents.  

“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.” 

Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity

As I thought on that statement some more, I realized he was completely right.  God has shut several doors over the last year to different opportunities that weren't HIS timing.  I thought about what He has for me now.  My role as a wife and a mother....my three beautiful, amazing, smart and healthy little girls.  My focus should be on being a Godly example to these girls and pouring my life into them.  He has blessed me with talents that are being used to better my family, and not to be used to measure success.  I know that He has great plans for my family.  For my Girls.  I have to rest in Him....His love....His plan for us!  

What's the cure? Reading His word, thinking on truth, remembering my blessing, keeping my eyes fixed on HIM.  Remembering that I am redeemed, that HE loves me, and that I am accepted by Him.  

I just love this song by the David Crowder Band.  If you have some time please take a couple minutes to listen!  

Back to the basics...

Our home is right now the Miller Infirmary. I may have washed my hands 74 times yesterday. I thought we had gotten past every "major" flu or cold between us...until Friday came along.

 Last week we stayed home most of the week. I wanted the girls to get better completely, and we have been trying to save every dime...so there wasn't really any need to go out. I was excited about the weekend...we had no plans, and I was hoping we could do something fun as a family. The girls took an unusually long nap on Friday. When I got Lily out of bed she was covered in sores and had a high fever. By bedtime, the sores were open and blistery. I stressed, but decided it was best to wait until morning to see her Dr. Saturday morning Lauren was covered in sores. We all got dressed and went to the Doctor. He said it was a viral rash, and that the girls didn't have the sores in their mouth so he didn't think it was Hand, Foot & Mouth disease. He prescribed antibiotics and we were on our way. Sunday morning Brooke woke up with the rash, and I am sure it is very painful for her because it is in her mouth. She doesn't have a high pain tolerance, so yesterday was a pretty rough day for her...and us. She also suffers night terrors, and wakes up at least 4 times a week screaming "no" and "stop"...it is hard for me to wake her up and calm her down. The fever has made those nightmares worse, because last night I was up with her at least once every hour.


Doesn't this just break your heart?  This was the rash that is all over Lily & Lauren's bodies.  Face...arms, legs, bottoms. Blessing:  The girls were smiling, laughing and playing through it all.  Not one "complaint".  My tough babies.

 Landon & I are feeling well...just sleep deprived, exhausted, and I have a little bit of cabin fever. I better get used to it...because we won't be leaving the house until the girls are completely better. We'll be eating pizza rolls and peanut butter and jelly's, or whatever I can scrounge up from the freezer. :O) I am actually out of butter...can you believe it?!?  Probably better that way. I knew that frozen turkey from Thanksgiving would come in handy.  We might just have a thanksgiving feast tonight!

  I really struggled the last few days. Struggled with feelings of loneliness, frustration and doubt. Landon sat down with me last night and read James 1. It was the perfect passage for me to hear...and while I was up all throughout the night I kept thinking of some basic truths about who God is to get me through and re-direct my focus.

 GOD is GOOD - SO good. He is good when all my girls healthy, and when they are sick. I need to treasure these moments He has given me to take care of my little girls, whether they are sick or healthy. He has blessed us with these small physical trials in comparison to many people that I know. He is GOOD. 

 GOD is LOVE - When I feel alone or rejected...God LOVES me. When I fail, and He forgives me. His mercies are new every morning.  I can't make everyone happy...that is not what my focus should be.  It should be on pleasing Him and doing what is right.

 GOD is WITH ME - He is here to guide me and give me strength to make it through each day. Some days or weeks will be harder than others, but He will hold my hand if I choose to allow Him to.  HE is my support and stronghold. When I feel lonely, I am not alone...He is here beside me.

 "Blessed is the man who reamins steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

A Giving Heart

This year I want my family to focus on giving to other people. We have everything that we NEED, and i want my girls to learn to be unselfish and give to others. I LOVE watching Brooke get something she really wants...but what I love more is watching her eyes light up and her excitement when she gives to someone else. I hope she doesn't lose this excitement...that she will be unselfish and that she would think of others before herself! I pray that I can be an example to her in that way!

December 1 - We took some baked goods to the Owasso fire station.

This morning we left a little goodie bag that we made together for our mail-lady!

Just tall enough to do it herself!

hoping to bring a smile on her face on a cold winter day! :O)

Acts 20:35

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in the way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, It is more blessed to give than to receive."

blessings.

Several years ago I "suffered" what I thought to be a great trial in my life. The Lord was gracious enough to erase a lot of the memories I had from the past, but I can still remember the hurt. I remember just asking God several questions. Where do I go now? What do I do with my life now? Will anyone ever love me again? There was so much hurt in my broken heart, that the only thing I felt I could do was look to God for love, forgiveness and healing. He did all that and MORE. He gave me more than I asked for and more than I deserved. His amazing love does that. Psalm 36:7 was one of the verses that I kept in the forefront of my mind. "How precious is your steadfast love, O GOD! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings." His love forgave, comforted and healed. I'm thankful for a God that will never leave me.

Here comes the HUGE blessingS part...

After going to Northland Camp to work for the summer and seek wise counsel, I started working at NIU full time. Northland has a special place in my heart...for many reasons! Northland was where I met my husband Landon. Landon was the crazy, curly red-headed, soccer playing, bridge jumping, red tahoe driving "boy" that I never saw myself dating. He pursued...and pursued. I resisted for almost a whole semester...until Thanksgiving break. I saw a different side of Landon. He was crazy...but he was (and is!) Godly, sweet, FUN, forgiving and patient. We began dating in February...got engaged in July....and got married in November. We do things fast around here.

"From the fullness of HIS grace, we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16.

10 months after we got married Brooke came along. 20 months after that came Lily & Lauren. Our family grew QUICKLY....and it is awesome. We love our girls. We love each other. Things get hard sometimes, but we all get through it together. Landon ALWAYS reminds me of the truth and points me back to my LOVING father. I am so blessed. He GAVE me that trial...so I could be broken and see HIM. Those questions I asked God before...He answered each one in His time. He brought me to Oklahoma and gave me a very amazing husband who loves me very much. In one week we will celebrate our 4 year anniversary. He gave me the amazing opportunity to be a mother to my girls. It was all in His plan and all in His timing. I'm thankful that my life is guided by His hand, and not my own.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plan for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Finding Security.

This morning I had plans for the day. I woke up later than normal, and as the girls started waking up, those plans started unraveling. I had 3 unusually fussy girls and I began to get very frustrated. I decided to stay home and try spend time with girls. I am glad that we stayed home, because I soon became an emotional wreck. I was so focused on myself...my insecurities, my loneliness, my shortcomings. I cried most of the morning, and got a call from Landon during his lunch break. He pointed me to Christ and told me to get in the word. He reminded me that God wants me to find my security in Him...to feel loved by Him...and to seek my strength from Him. My mother-in-law sent me an email a few days ago with 2 new songs from Mandisa. I listed to them...but today I REALLY listened to The Truth About Me. I got on my knees and asked God to forgive me, broken, crying...while 2 little babies sat there and watched. He has blessed me so much...why do I keep questioning Him and keeping the focus on ME? I have to find my security in HIM. I felt such a peace as I talked to God and gave those struggles to Him. I am thankful for a Godly husband, and most of all for a forgiving and loving God. I know that not everyone struggles the same way I do....but I wanted to share this song with you all and I hope it will be a blessing. Click on the title to listen to it.

The Truth About me (by Mandisa)

If only I could see me as You see me

And understand the way that I am loved

Would it give a whole new meaning to my purpose

Change the way I see the world

Would I sparkle like a star in the night sky

Would I give a little more instead of take

If I understood I’m precious like a diamond

Of a worth no one could estimate

I’m a worth no one could estimate

You say lovely, I say broken

I say guilty, You say forgiven

I feel lonely

You say You’re with me

We both know

It would change everything

If only I believed

The truth about me

I wish I could hold on to the moments

When my life is spinning, but I’m peaceful still

Like a wind, You whisper into silence

And tell me things this world never will

You tell me things this world never will

I would sleep better at night

Wake up with hope for another day

I would love even if it cost me

Take a chance, and know I’m gonna be ok

I would dare to give my life away

My Pregnancy Story

Delivery Day! 5:45, and SO happy to meet my girls

I just can't explain the relief that I felt hearing these screams!

My sweet girls

9 months ago I was 9 months pregnant with the twins. It is so hard to believe how quickly the time as gone by! I have had so many friends ask about my pregnancies...so I thought I would share a little bit about that with you all. I hope it will encourage you!

Landon and I have been married for 41 months. Out of those 41 months, I was pregnant for 18 and nursing for 21. So for almost 40 of those months, I was either throwing up on an hourly basis, or eating everything in sight to keep up with my milk supply. Added to that are the hormones that can get out of control. He got one month of "normal", and that was the first month of our marriage in the "honeymoon stage"! Poor husband.

With both pregnancies, I had extreme problems with keeping food down. I threw up the entire pregnancies several times a day. Hyperemesis Gravidarum is the medical term for what the doctor diagnosed me with. This pregnancy had a rocky start. At week 5, after a lot of bleeding and my first ER visit, we weren't sure if we were still pregnant. I had my HCG levels checked every other day. They seemed to rise slightly under the normal rate, and certainly not at the rate of a twin pregnancy. The next 3 weeks were the longest weeks of waiting. At 8 weeks we saw the heartbeat...of TWO babies. We were so relieved and shocked at the same time. While pregnant with the twins, my body could hardly keep up with the pregnancy. I was in and out of the urgent care/emergency room...getting fluids twice a week. My doctor threatened to put me on feeding tubes every week if I did not start gaining a pound a week. Every week I would pray that I would gain the weight so I would not have to stay in the hospital. At week 20, I was placed on bed rest. For me, that was the hardest thing to face...especially with a very active 1 year old. Every time I stood up and walked around, I would immediately start having contractions. I knew that I needed to obey his orders for the health of the twins. By week 30 I really struggled with Anemia and malnutrition. I was so anemic, the doctor didn't even know how I was standing without passing out. I had to visit the cancer treatment center to receive IV's for Iron and other nutrients. I was in so much pain, but in the midst of all these physical trials the Lord really made His love clear to our family. I knew that this pain and suffering was only temporary. In just a few short months I would get to hold two of the sweetest baby girls in my arms and forget about it all.

How did we get through this time? Only by HIS strength and grace. My husband is amazing. He always encouraged me, kept me calm, reminded me of truth, helped with the house, did the dishes, played with Brooke and loved me sacrificially on a daily basis. God gave me such a gift when He gave me Landon. I can't even begin to count the number of people who prayed for us during those long months. I am so thankful for a mom who couldn't always be near, but prayed very fervently for my family. I am also thankful for a mother-in-law who also prayed, but was also a true servant to us. We moved into the Miller's home when I was placed on bed rest. Poppy and Gi Gi helped us all through a very hard time, and gave sacrificially by sharing their home with us. Our church family prayed for us, and also sent ladies to help me once a week for almost 8 months! We are thankful for our friends and family who were an encouragement by sending notes, emails and cards and uplifting us in prayer. "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16.

June 10, 2010 we finally got to meet Lily & Lauren. Born by C-Section at week 36. Lily was 5'10 & Lauren was 6'1". Despite the physical problems I went through...two HEALTHY baby girls were born. They stayed in our room with us and never saw the NICU. After 3 days we were sent home! I refused any pain medication after the C-Section because I was determined to nurse the girls. I knew the medication would make me loopy, and I didn't want any chance of the girls getting any traces of it. Honestly...it was painful, but not as painful as the last 9 months. What is amazing is that immediately after both pregnancies, I was able to eat like a normal person and keep food down again. AH....food has never tasted so good.

Nursing was a big challenge because of my nutrition issues. I was determined, but I also knew that it might not be a possibility. We tried to stay positive and just try as hard as we could. After a lot of prayer and determination, I am so thankful to say...they are 9 months old next week and have been breastfed exclusively! Another answer to prayer.

Lily & Lauren have brought such joy to our lives. They are a miracle and blessing from God. I wanted to share my story with you all, and also thank you for all your prayers and encouragement!