Tiffany {Chloe's Story}

I first of all want to thank Tammy for posting my story on her blog. I’ve been meaning to post this on my own blog for the past couple of months, but time has just gotten away from me. Imagine that?!   

When Nate (my husband) and I talked about getting pregnant with our second baby, we were hoping to have our children close in age because we were (and still are) hoping that they become fast friends! Our two babies are just about 18 months apart. Our oldest, Eliana, turned 2 in March and Chloe (the sweet little baby this story is about) is now 9 months old.  

My pregnancy with Chloe went by fast and without a single hitch. I had more energy than I did with my first pregnancy, my belly didn’t get as big, I didn’t gain as much weight, and I was still able to stay super active and busy right up until the day before Chloe was born. I mean, I went to a college soccer game, Red Robin, and Starbucks two nights before Chloe made her way into this world. 

{our last picture as a family of 3}

Chloe ended up coming 10 days early…well, technically 3 days early since I was supposed to be getting induced a week before my due date. My actual due date was September 12th, and Chloe was born on Sunday, September 2, 2013. Nate is a soccer coach and he had games before and after my due date and there was no way was I going to have this baby while he was away on a trip, so we planned my induction.

We were actually at church when I started to feel contractions. They were no different from the other contractions that I had been feeling except I was having some back labor as well. Nate suggested that we stop by the hospital so I could get checked since we were already in town. I didn’t want to because I didn’t feel like staying the night in the hospital and then being sent home the next day, but we decided to go since we were in town. (We live about 40 minutes from the hospital.) We got to the hospital around noon and the nurse checked me as soon as we got there and I was dilated to 5 cm. She looked at me and said, “Honey, you’ve having this baby today.” I was completely shocked and caught off guard! I definitely didn’t think my contractions were actually putting me into labor, but they were! So long story short, my labor with Chloe was a walk in the park.  I feel almost bad saying that, but it’s true! I was already dilated to 7 cm and I was still feeling no real pain. It wasn’t until right after the Doctor came and broke my water and I started to feel some “real” contractions. They were quite uncomfortable, but I received the epidural about 10 minutes later and I was feeling good…REALLY good…  Chloe was born less than an hour later. It took 3 pushes to get her out, and total pushing time was 5 minutes. And I got to watch it…it was absolutely amazing. Nothing can compare to watching your precious baby enter the world. It was so surreal and beautiful.                                        

{My first picture with Chloe}

Right off the bat, things with Chloe were a little scary. When it came time to nurse her for the first time, she did great and latched on right away, but then I noticed she stopped sucking. I looked down at her and noticed she was turning blue. Thankfully there was still a nurse in the room with us and she came right over, picked her up and started to suction out her mouth. Within a few seconds she was breathing again. This happened one more time about 20 minutes later, so the doctor decided to put her under the monitor to check and make sure there was nothing seriously wrong. It was from that moment that things with Chloe gradually went down hill. The pediatrician on call came back into our room about an hour later and told us that Chloe had picked up a virus in the birthing canal and that she needed to be on medication with an IV. This Doctor had told us that Chloe would be on meds for no more than 3 days and then we could go home. He then told us that she had to stay in the nursery, not in our room, but we could go in and see her/hold her anytime we wanted. They didn’t know why she had turned blue and started choking those two times, so they wanted to monitor that as well. Because of her being on the IV for the virus, and because they were unsure why she had started choking, they started giving her sugar water through her IV as well because they didn’t think she could handle my milk at that time. Those things were really hard for me to deal with. First, I couldn’t have my baby in the room with us, no one but Nate or I were able to hold her, and I couldn’t even nurse her. I wasn’t sure what God was teaching us, but I just kept praying that we would be able to go home soon! Well the next day, things definitely didn’t go as planned. There was a new pediatrician on call and right off the bat we were not set at ease when he walked in room, especially me. He came in and tried to explain to us (in not very clear English) that Chloe’s heart rate would drop to a low rate at times and that it could be a potential problem with her heart or it might not be. He wasn’t convincing either way. So now I’m thinking, “Ok, my baby picked up a virus, she’s on meds, I can’t nurse her, and now she might have a problem with her heart?? Lord, what’s going on?” Because Chloe was hooked up to the monitors to check her breathing (because of her turning blue) they also monitored her heart rate and that’s when they noticed that it would get really low at times and that caused some concern…but only with the doctor. My normal pediatrician with the girls came and checked on Chloe (even when it wasn’t her shift) and she assured me that we would be out in a couple of days because Chloe seemed well to her. Some babies are just born with a lower resting heartbeat, and once she’s done with the meds, she should be good to go. That was an encouragement. But those encouraging feelings didn’t last too long. The next morning (this is now Tuesday) The Doctor (I’ll just him Doctor T for our story) came back into the room and now informed us that Chloe was jaundiced and we’ll have to stay in the hospital to make sure her results from the blood test come back with a low enough number. And I was thinking, “Well that’s okay, because we’re already in the hospital and we have to stay here till at least tomorrow, so I’m glad they found it out now.” But that wasn’t all Doctor T had to tell us. He then informed us that when he was monitoring Chloe he was pretty sure he heard a murmur, so he told us that he would be running and EKG and an Echocardiogram to check on her heart. What a blow that was to me physically, mentally and spiritually. I didn’t know how much else I could handle. I didn’t want that Doctor coming into our room anymore, because it seemed like every time he came in he had more bad news to tell us. The one thing I was sort of holding on to was that she should be done with her meds by Wednesday, so hopefully we would be going home sometime that next day. Well Wednesday came and I was actually sitting in the nursery trying to nurse Chloe…that was one good thing that happened- I was actually able to start trying to nurse her because they had been giving her my breast milk by syringe since Tuesday and she had done really well with that….when Doctor T walked in and informed me that I wouldn’t be leaving till Thursday at the earliest because he upped the amount of time she needed to be on the meds, and he said we couldn’t leave until her heard the results from the EKG and Echocardiogram. Oh how I wanted to go home! It almost hurt thinking about having to stay in the hospital for another night, maybe two. Another thing that happened on Wednesday is that one of the nurses came in and told us that Chloe hadn’t passed her hearing test and that they would be trying again on Thursday. It was just one thing after another. I never questioned God’s goodness, but oh how I prayed that a miracle would happen, that Chloe would be found totally healthy and that we could leave the hospital and go home. Every time a doctor or nurse came into the room to talk to us, I felt almost emotionless because I was just waiting for the bad news to come, but as soon as they would leave I would break down crying. I felt so weak, so inadequate and I was so scared. I tried so hard not to cry because I didn’t want to let myself give in to that feeling of weakness in my mind, but there were times that I just absolutely couldn’t hold it in. A dear friend of mine, Jennifer Hotchkin texted me these verses and I clung to them. Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” And Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…”

{Chloe with her leads on, and marks from the mask from being under the lights for jaundice}

Chloe’s EKG and Echocardiogram came back normal, her jaundice went down enough for us to go home, she was done with her meds, but her heart rate was still a little low, which only caused concern from Dr. T who made us come home with an apnea monitor. This monitor had to be attached to Chloe with 2 leads and it was programmed to beep an alarm anytime her heart rate went above a certain number or dropped below a certain number. The alarm seriously sounded like a fire alarm, it was that loud and scared me half to death anytime it went off. It caused more panic for me when the alarm went off then when she wasn’t even hooked up to it and I couldn’t monitor her heart rate. After Chloe being hooked up to it for 1 day we decided to take her off the monitor. Neither one of us really thought that there was anything wrong with her heart, I think the Doctor couldn’t explain everything that went wrong with Chloe so he had to prescribe something. God gave us this baby and He could easily take her away from us whether or not she was hooked up to a monitor.

{Getting ready to go home!}

Chloe’s first week at home was great! And at her 2 week check up she was almost a pound over her birth weight! She was eating and gaining weight like a champ! But the day after she turned 2 weeks old things started to take a quick turn for the worst. She started crying. Chloe never really cried. She was the “good, quiet” baby in the nursery at the hospital. And it wasn’t just normal crying like she was hungry or had a dirty diaper. It was a non-stop crying. She started to not sleep either. I figured her nights and days were mixed up, but after a week of continual crying and not sleeping, I knew something was really wrong. Thankfully she had her 1 month appointment coming up and I explained everything to the doctor and she gave me the horrible news that Chloe had colic and most likely some form of acid reflux. My heart dropped, especially when she told me that colic usually peaks at 6 weeks and usually ends at 12 weeks. Chloe was only 4 weeks old! You mean to tell me that I have 8 more weeks of this?! I’m going to be honest. Those next 8 weeks were some of the hardest/darkest days I have EVER gone through. There were two weeks in particular...weeks 5 and 6…where Chloe was up most of the night screaming and there was nothing I could do. I tried to ignore it and sleep through it, which never worked, I tried to hold her and rock her- that didn’t work either. Nothing worked. She just cried and cried and cried. I can remember one specific night where I was standing next to our bed rocking a swaddled, screaming baby and I was bawling and pouring my heart out to God. I remember asking him why he even allowed me to be pregnant with her, why I had to go through such a hard first week with her in the hospital, while God would punish me with such an awful baby and the list goes on and on. The feelings I had towards Chloe were so selfish and almost un- Christian that it caused me to doubt my salvation, because how could a Christian really act like how I was acting. I was completely sleep-deprived, exhausted to a point where I was almost delusional at times and I felt like a completely failure as a mom and as a wife. I have never experienced a darker time in my life. I felt so alone and I truly believed that I was a failure at the one thing I believed God called me to be.

I am SO thankful for the love and grace of God. He never abandoned me. I was never alone. He was and always is right there beside me. He was with me during my almost textbook delivery, to my emotional week in the hospital, to the night where I questioned everything about who I was. God never stopped loving me and he knew that I can handle whatever trial He sends my way because He is with me and will help to guide me through it.

I am also beyond thankful for the love of my husband. He was a constant encouragement and rock during those hard times. I really don’t know what I would’ve done without him.

{Family Photo September 2013}

I am also very thankful for the gift of music. I was on my way to one of Eliana’s appointments in town (Taylor Ollila babysat Chloe. It was huge for me to get a break from her every once and a while) and I was listening to the local Christian radio station on our way into town and a song came on that absolutely hit me right where I was. I have never had a song speak to me the way that song did. I felt like God was with me and was giving me that song when I needed it most. I broke down and cried almost the whole way into town.

I’m going to end my story with the lyrics of the song.

Stronger: by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night

Thinking about how your world ain't right

And you wonder if things will ever get better

And you're asking why is it always raining on you

When all you want is just a little good news

Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head

It's gonna end

God's right there

Even if it's hard to see Him

I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus:]

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger

Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't feel Him

I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Chloe was officially out of her colic stage right after she turned 3 months. It was like she was a completely different baby! Such a blessing.  Her jaundice completely went away and she has not any any problems with her heart even in the slightest. I am just so thankful to God for this sweet little baby he has given me to love and train. Life with Chloe has been far from perfect, I've definitely still had my ups and downs, but I'm thankful for a loving father who has blessed me with a loving, patient husband and two sweet little girls. I am blessed.

Jill {letting go}

Letting Go… to Watch Them Grow

Last August marked a new life event. My baby girl got engaged to her dream guy! We all knew this was coming. Almost from day one, she was sure he was “the one.” No unrest or anxieties involved with this relationship. It was very assuring to see God work in their lives and in the details of their relationship to confirm that He was orchestrating it all. We were all on board. It was and is a very happy and wonderful time. What follows is an ordinary mom’s perspective and the transition involved.

{last sippy cup in our house}

Engagement is such a joyful event. You really are thrilled in every way that your daughter is going to spend the rest of her life with the guy whom you’ve prayed for - for years. It’s a very special time for a mother to be a part of her daughter’s biggest dreams and plans. What a sweeter blessing could there be! Yet, in the midst of all the happiness, I sensed a change coming.

I felt like we had done our best (not perfectly mind you) to raise this child with all the morals, values and beliefs we’ve held near and dear. We attended every school function, every game, every violin recital, every church activity, and every kind of banquet. We took her to church, sent her to a private school, had family devotions, and tried to make as many special family memories as we could through the years. Yes, we’ve poured our life into this child. No reason to feel anything but sheer joy, right?

For some reason, this event later brought some feelings I was unprepared for. The transition is subtle, but it moves right deep into your heart, undeniably so. This daughter is going from a place where you had all the say - to a place outside of that. Yes, slowly, but surely. You watch up close, yet feel at a distance as you see her growing up and moving on to a new life. She is starting to live out the “cleaving” process. And, this is right and good in every respect, especially biblically. As you watch, you realize this new life status means she’s moved into adulthood. So now you are faced with a choice in the way you parent and relate. Is this easy? No way. You’ve cared for and nurtured this child since day one. Now parenting will take on a whole new twist. It becomes more about their choices and decisions, not yours. Ouch.

It is easy to feel a little “left behind” while this transition takes place. Pity-party you ask? I guess I was feeling maybe the reality of the fact that I wasn’t “all that” any longer. Humbling is a good way to describe it. However, in the midst of reconciling all that, it is comforting to know that God is really at work, in your very own heart. He is my Father, ready and waiting to give His sweet grace to me. Let’s be honest, it’s not about me (or you). What I started to see more starkly than ever was that in order for her to grow and become what God intends for her in life, I must step back. I must let her join her heart with his. I must not try to cling to what was. (Hear me preaching to myself?)  Holding on or looking back stunts. Growth can only come through letting go and embracing the new. There will be new life for her and also new life in our home and hearts as well. God is doing a beautiful work and I must join Him. He has plans that are good that include a bright future. He IS orchestrating what we have prayed for and trusted Him for to do in her. I must now look to what He wants to accomplish in the present and the future, not stay in the past. I must not wallow in any regret. I certainly have made many mistakes. We were/are far from perfect. Would those mistakes adversely affect her - the rest of her life? These kinds of questions now came to my mind. “Did I do enough?” “Did I raise her to be what God wanted from us?” “Did I properly equip her to be a godly wife and responsible adult?” “Did I really say all that I’ve wanted to say and do to teach her as a beautiful young woman going out into the world?” Definitely no easy answers here. Only a twinge of indescribable thoughts came to mind through those questions. All of this put a heightened sense of awareness of the days left before us. So there is a choice, stay in the past and pretend like it’s not going to change, or move on and embrace what is before you.

One very important statement I was told early on that was tucked away in the corner of my mind was “Guard your heart.” This means protecting your heart and mind with truth. Put on the truth of God’s Word daily and pray. Major transitions are not easy, but God is in the midst of them - if you step back and see. He teaches us so many valuable lessons that may not come any other way. Don’t let the enemy wreak havoc in your relationship through emotions that go unchecked. I had plenty of emotions and didn’t handle them all in the best way, all of the time. But there are apologies and forgiveness. There is a relinquishing involved, and we can’t fight it. Tell God all about your feelings. He understands them, even if no one else does. And lastly, enjoy the new relationship - both with your daughter and also your son-in-law to be. It is truly a precious, God-given gift to gain another family member that also deeply loves your child and has their best interest at heart.

 

Tamara {the importance of prayer as a mother}

One of the fondest memories I have of my mother is her fervent prayer life.  I knew if I woke up, and she wasn't in the kitchen, she was in her prayer closet.  Praying for hours...many of those hours for me. I can't imagine where I would be without the prayer of my mother.  I know Landon can say the same about his mother.  I'm so thankful for the example both of our mothers have been in that area to us.  

The last couple months have been discouraging for me.  I have been very tired and out of my normal routine.  I find myself waking up late, feeling awful and laying in bed waiting for the girls to wake up.  Sure, I pray....but it's in the shower, in the car, and when I'm falling asleep at night.  I pray when something doesn't go my way, when I go through a trial, when I see a request on facebook, and that my kids will behave.  Basically I pray that everything will change to make MY life easier.  

This Sunday morning, we wanted to try the early service out at our "new" church.  I was having some physical issues, but for some reason I felt God prompting me to get everyone up and ready to get to the 9:00 service.  I almost threw in the towel, but we showed up just in time for the service.  There were  guest pastors speaking in each of the services.  Pastor Kevin Harper stood up to preach, and from the beginning of his message I KNEW there was a reason we came to the early service.  He spoke on prayer.  The importance of setting aside time each day to remember WHO you are praying to and for God to change ME.  So many times, we pray for God to change circumstances when that may not be in his will. We hold on to what we think is good for our lives, instead of letting it go and allowing Him to decide and work for His good.  By the end of the service, I was so convicted about my prayer life. The last couple months I have been begging God to change my kids, my circumstances and my trials.  I haven't asked Him to change ME first....to make me more like Him.  I know that when I focus on praying for HIS will, not mine, He will give me such a peace.  This prayer will dramatically change my relationship with Landon, with my girls, and with others.  

I want to fervently pray for my children.  I cleaned out a corner of our closet, and have been challenged to make this a priority first thing in the morning, no matter how I feel or what we have going on.  To pray for them in every aspect of their life...to become who God wants them to be, not who I think they should be.  

Here are a few sources on guiding you along as you pray for your husband and children!

http://wellnurturedplantsandpillars.wordpress.com/2012/07/18/prayer-guide-for-family-and-self-printables/

http://familymatters.net/blog/2012/02/01/31-days-of-prayers-for-your-children-diy-prayer-book/

http://www.amazon.com/Praying-Scriptures-Children-Jodie-Berndt/dp/0310232163/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369658380&sr=8-1&keywords=praying+for+your+children

http://www.amazon.com/Praying-Gods-Word-Your-Husband/dp/0800720768/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1369658342&sr=8-2&keywords=praying+for+your+husband

Jennifer {In business, one must focus}

I'm so excited for Jennifer to share her story on the blog today.  Our friendship goes WAY back - we met almost 13 years ago the day we joined the same society at Bob Jones.  I'm so thankful for the way that God has led in both of our lives...He took us on different (sometimes very difficult) paths that led us both to the most amazing job we have ever had - being mothers.  I know that you will be encouraged by her sweet story to motherhood....

I absolutely love being a mom!  Anyone who knew me growing up or in college probably are in total shock that I am a mother and that I really love it.  I have always been known as the very independent, driven, outgoing, business-minded type, but NEVER as a “kid type.”  My mom owned a daycare for the majority of my life, and I grew up around babies and toddlers.  I always knew how to do basic baby care, but never had that ooey gooey feeling about babies and kids.  Let’s put it like this – I never once volunteered for the nursery!  I have learned that God has a funny way of changing our desires – who’s with me on that one?

In college, I studied International Business and French and had a very strong desire to go into business and work for a French multinational organization.  Well, that was not God’s desire.  I had the desire to travel all over Europe and Asia.  That also was not God’s desire.  Instead, God’s desire was to send me to teach French in a 3^rd world Caribbean country to live on a $300 a month stipend.  Awesome.  Not.  I was pretty sure that I wasn’t cut out for the provincial life.  Little did I know that those couple of years would change my life and my mindset forever!  Even though we had lots of inconveniences – no hot water, sporadic electricity, crazy bugs and lizards, no cars, 2-3 month rainy seasons, burglars – I never really struggled with culture shock because I fell in love with the children from day one!  I don’t know why I all of a sudden developed a very strong affection for children, but I have to say that I loved them so much that I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them to come back to the United States.  So many long-term relationships developed through my time being there and I saw several of my students saved that year!  One of my students was even a bridesmaid in my wedding!  I remember telling my mom that I couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to love my own children because I loved my Dominican students so much!

After I moved back to the United States I started dating my husband and high school sweetheart, Jim.   I had a very successful life insurance agency and was working 40-60 hours a week.  My goal was to give it all I had and work very hard for several years to build up my residual income (small commissions received annually after you sell a policy and it continues to stay active) and become fully vested by the time I was 35.  Sounds like a marvelous plan, huh?  On paper.  There were many discouraging things in the cut-throat world of business to have to deal with.  I had to testify against sexual harassment, was expected to say and do whatever needed to be done to close a deal (even if it wasn’t true), and was expected to do other “below bar” things.  I realize that not all of Corporate America is like this, but as for me, I couldn’t sleep at night.  I really struggled with contentment, trust, and bitterness and I started to believe that I wasn’t meant to be successful or happy.  What I really realized was that I did not have to compromise anything to achieve and be successful.  Success rested in following God’s leading for my life, wherever that took me. 

Jim and I were married in June 2011 and in October of that year, I became pregnant.  I was so upset!  This was a very big “mistake” in my mind!  I was scared and selfish and a control freak!  We had even planned a trip to Paris for April of this year, but I was 6.5 months pregnant at that time and so it was cancelled.  I was so self-centered and thought that it was just the worst timing for us and for all of the plans that we had.  It took me about halfway through my pregnancy to become really excited.  My husband is a head football coach and had just taken a new job that required a 2 hour daily round trip, not to mention the very late nights during the football season, right when I would have a newborn.  Great.  When I was 20 weeks pregnant I finally felt the baby move for the first time and I instantly fell in love.  It wasn’t until after Beau was born that I held him in my arms while feeding him in the quiet of the night, and my tears fell on his face and I sobbed, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t want you!”  From that moment on I knew that I was created by the Creator to do this job of motherhood.  I know that this sounds utopian, but I really love motherhood! 

Where does this lead my business career?  Who knows?  I gave up my life insurance agency in January after many tearful conversations with my husband about what I should do.  I sought the advice of some very trusted friends, and decided that even though I have no idea what the future holds for me, God does, and He was leading me to dissolve my business.  So where did that leave me?  I have always wanted to pursue my Masters in Business Administration and had a couple of friends who encouraged me to just jump in and do it.  I thought, how crazy?  I am working (I substitute teach and still personally produce with life insurance sales), a wife, a mother, and now a graduate student?  I thought (and I’m sure I said it to God at some point in my quiet time) this is crazy!  What else?  Little did I know that God had one more thing for me to add to my plate.  I have just recently starting singing with my church’s choir and praise team.  So many people ask me how I do it all.  I really start thinking that I have too much going on and that it’s not possible, and then I read all of the wonderful stories of so many other moms who have more kids, more demanding jobs, more stressful situations than I do. 

The “mom experts” on tv shows say that life is all about finding a balance.  Yeah, sure.  Tell that to the mother of a disabled child.  Tell that to the mother of multiples.  Tell that to the mother who has to work 40 hours a week.  Tell that to the single mother who never gets a break.  Tell that to the missionary mother who does not have her mom around the corner or any other conveniences of home.  I know better.  I know that God is on His throne and that every one of my days are numbered and ordered and that there’s nothing beyond His scope of knowledge.  When I flip out (I feel like I do this a lot), I have to tell myself to take a step back and realize that I have it pretty good.  I consider all of the wonderful blessings that I have in my life and realize that this small window of “crunch time” with a small child, job, and school, is just that – a small window.  My life is worth so much more than the anxiety that I have.  My baby, my husband and my God deserve my devotion, not my stress. 

Molly {a letter from a "mom to be"}

Meet Derek & Molly :: They are expecting their first little boy, Beaux in July!  Aren't they adorable?!?  I asked Molly to write a "Mom Series" post for me as an expecting mother.  These two....they LOVE kids and are so great with them.  My girls adore their Uncle D and Aunt MoMo.  The love that they have for their nieces and nephews is so amazing, I know that the love that they will have for their little boy will be far beyond measure.  Here's the letter that Molly wrote to her precious Beaux....

Dear Beaux,

Right now as I write this you are kicking me, which isn't saying much since this happens ALL the time with you.  Since I have been able to feel you kick on Valentines Day, you do it all day long.  Such a reassuring feeling that I will miss!!!

People are all about giving you advice when you are pregnant!  Which can be great and also tiring...

The greatest advice I have received is to cherish the moments that you are in.  I want to make sure to put this into action.  I do not want to wish away stages of your life.  As I sit here and look at my very round and growing belly, I'm reminded of this advice.  I've already found myself wishing away pregnancy so I can see you, but I need to enjoy the moments I have you all to myself while I can!  The last few months of this are not comfortable I will have to say...but I wouldn't trade it for anything!  The kicks and rolling make everything completely worth it.  I am so blessed that God decided to make me your mommy and I don't want to wish this part away!  The only time it's just me and you all the time.  :)

I honestly didn't think I could get pregnant, we weren't trying but God knew what was best for us, and knew this time was perfect.  We are going to have to grow up and raise a baby!  I can't say I am ready, because I'm definitely not!!!  But God said I am, and gave me one of the greatest gifts...YOU!  My whole life I dreamed about being pregnant and being a mommy, it's really what I've always wanted to do.  I love children, and I can't believe I finally will have one of my own that I will love even more than I can ever imagine.  I am so incredibly grateful for what God has given me and I don't want to take a single minute for granted!

I can't wait until you are out and I can see your precious face, but until then I'm going to take this time to appreciate your precious kicks, hiccups, hitting and rolling that you like to do so well!  I know that I'm going to miss being pregnant and feeling you inside of me, and I don't want to wish that away.  I can't wait until you can crawl, walk, talk to me, and until you play a sport I can take you to.  So many memories, I want to treasure each stage you are in and remember everything I can, which means I must pretty much write everything down!

Love,
Mommy

Marcy {her story as a stepmom}

SURRENDER ALL

VERSE 1

Take all I am, Lord, and all that I cling to

You are my Savior I owe everything to

Take all the treasures that lie in my storehouse

They cannot follow when I enter Your house

CHORUS

So I surrender all to You

I surrender all

VERSE 2

Take all my cravings for vain recognition

Fleshly indulgence and worldly ambition

I want so much Lord to make You the focus

To serve You in secret and never be noticed

VERSE 3

Take all my hunger for all that’s forbidden

Every desire and sin I keep hidden

Search me and know me I want to bring to You

A life that is holy and sanctified through You

Credits:

Words and music by Rich Dalmas

© 2004 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

Hi!  My name is Marcy Wright.  Tamara and I went to college together although we didn't know each other.  Somehow I stumbled across her blog through a mutual friend, and I have so enjoyed her Mom Series!  It was emotional and encouraging to have this opportunity to share my story of motherhood.

I had always dreamed of becoming a wife and mom.  God answered both of those prayers on March 27, 2010.  I married the love of my life and became a stepmom to two beautiful girls, K (age 6) and A (age 4).  

My husband and I had similar Christian upbringings in different parts of the Twin Cities in Minnesota, but after we each finished high school we went down two totally different paths.  I went to a Christian college to find a husband and a degree, and he went off to have fun.  The Lord did not allow me to meet my husband at college, and the Lord allowed my husband to become a father to two girls (from two different relationships).  I am so thankful that God is sovereign and only down what is best for us ---Even when we don't understand why He allows some things to happen.  I am blessed He chose to bring my husband to the church I attended, and we were introduced by mutual friends.  God had been doing a miraculous work in my husband to be  And I knew that we needed each other to sanctify each other and to glorify Himself more.  (that is a whole other story in itself!) :)  But God also wanted these two little girls to have me for a stepmom.

We have a lot of fun together!  The girls are so sweet and gifted in their own ways.  K is gifted musically like my husband, and A is gifted academically like my husband   We live life as normal as possible whether it be going to church or the library, making our own family traditions, and celebrating a multitude of holidays (whether it be on the actual day or a few days before or after).  I love having them with us when they are able (we have legal joint custody of one of the girls, but nothing is legally set up for the other).  But sharing is hard.  And sometimes I have wanted all or nothing!  Sharing your children that you love is VERY hard at times (on both sides) in may ways.  We've gone through times of not being able to see our girls because their moms have been unhappy with us.  We are only in control of things that go on in our home.  We have no control over what they are taught or what they see, or do, or hear when they are in their other home, and that can be concerning.  But God knows and is in control of all of that, and how much time we have with our girls.  We have had some good gospel opportunities with them, but neither understands their need of a Savior, yet.  I pray God opens their hearts and minds soon!

One of the biggest struggles I have faced is the jealousy I and the other moms have had.  Being a mom and being called "mom" is a very special gift.  The Lord is growing me, but I have struggled for a long time with what my role actually is.  The don't call me mom, except for very random times, or when they are writing me a note (which I love).  And their mothers have voiced jealousy over the place I have in their daughter's lives.  We all love these girls so much, and we want to be their special "mom".  I have cried and prayed, screamed and received counsel.  And I have come to realize that I am not their mom.  But God has me in their lives for a very special reason.  First and foremost to show them Christ and the Gospel.  And I am also in the lives of their moms for that same reason.  The Lord has really grown my relationships with their moms over the last several months.  It has been difficult and hurtful, but God is changing me and He's changing them (whether they realize He is or not).  I can honestly say that I love their moms, I want them saved, and I want to be used to bring them the gospel in word and deed.  That's only of God!  If you would have asked me last year at this time if I felt that way, I would have said "No, but I am praying for God to change my heart."  And He has!  It's amazing!

So when I am tempted to lose heart in this role as a stepmom, when I miss the girls because they are at their other homes, when I wish we could be involved in their overall development, when I wish they would just call me "mom",

I surrender.  And I pray...

I want so much Lord to make You the focus

To serve You in secret and never be noticed.

If I could encourage any of you, please let me know. I would love to hear your stories. (mrs.wright327@yahoo.com)