Jessica {loss of a precious baby}

I'm so excited to be sharing here on Tammy's blog. She's a friend from college and I've loved reading her blog since then. But I'll admit I'm  a little nervous b/c I've never considered myself a writer. The more of her guests writers I read the more self conscience I become - b/c I in no way understand the rules of writing. :)

I blog over at Gardner Clan  and mostly I just share our life story, stories of the boys, stories of moving, stories of how God is loving and active and what that looks like in my life. Mostly I blog for my own sake (and for my mom who lives in Ecuador) so i can remember things.  I love to cook and bake and invite people into our home to share food or take food to their house.  I love to RUN and finished my first half marathon ever last year. I like to do random crafts but never stick to anything. I love people and wish I could be with friends all day. I grew up in Ecuador, SA as a Missionary kid - and I believe that has shaped me more than the average person can tell. So many things are still foreign to me of how "American" woman think and operate - but I like to think I've adjusted and fit in and most people can't tell. :) I am married to one amazing guy, Richard, (and our love story is enough for it's own blog post) who shows me more about Christ's forgiveness, sacrifice and love than I ever give him. We have been married for 6 and half years and in that time have moved from the Boston to Colorado, back to PA and then back to Colorado. We also have two boys, Carson almost 4 yrs old and Landon 2 1/2 yrs old and a precious baby in Heaven that we will one day meet and get to hold. Each time we've moved God has changed us and shown us things about ourselves. We have grown closer each time we have to start over. But this last time we moved to help a church plant in Fort Collins, CO called The Crossing - we have been changed forever. God is truly teaching us more about himself and showing us how to love others and live out the Good News of Salvation every day.

I had to add this picture b/c it cracks me up

Back in September 2012 I found out that I was pregnant. I was overjoyed and more than ready to have a third child. Richard and I were esctatic and could not wait to tell our family and friends and experience the joy that new life brings to our family. I had started telling a few friends and family and although worn out and sick - I was elated. Then on October 16th - I started spotting and my heart sank. I knew that it could be nothing as that had happened to many of my friends - but I also knew the other dreaded possibility. With much fear and crying I called my parents and my twin sister - and somehow managed to call a midwife clinic (who I had not even talked with before b/c we had moved recently and I hadn't set anything up yet). Somehow in the fog I called someone to come watch the boys while I rushed to an appointment for which I was so happy they had gotten me in so quickly. Long story short we had a few days of waiting for all the blood work to come back but it was evident that my body was not sustaining this new life and for some reason God chose to glorify himself through taking our precious new life before I could hold, or see, or hear my baby.

This road that God has chosen for us to take has in no way been fun or easy. I've had almost 5 months to process it (in fact this weekend will mark 5 months) and although I do not have answers for why or how to cope with it, I can in fact say I love my God more than ever and trust in His love and care and will. Going through the loss of my precious baby has been the hardest thing I have faced in my life but especially as a mother. Nothing compares to that utter sadness and grief you feel. I have had some serious lows and felt EXTREMELY lonely through this process. Miscarriage is something that most people don't talk about, and don't tell people when it happens - but I have felt such love from friends through sharing my experience. I have learned a lot about myself. God has changed me to be compassionate and sensitive. I want to know peoples stories now - b/c everyone has a story of how they got to where they are. I view God-given life through new eyes. I had taken my two easy pregnancies and healthy boys for granted and now I am completely thankful for the precious lives God has given to me. I needed to learn that we are not to plan out our lives how we want them. God chooses ultimately the path our lives take and I can honestly say through joy and pain God blesses and I praise His name.

There are still days that my body and heart ache for my tiny baby. Everyone has moved on, so many friends have announced pregnancies since then or given birth and joy abounds with everyone else's new life. But my heart is still in the grieving and aching process. I cling to his loving arms more than ever before and He has been faithful to hold me.  I remember a friend told me during the first few weeks of facing the reality that I would never be able to hold my precious baby, I was scared about how to move on and thinking that I couldn't. She said, "The same God that has held you, loved you, and poured his grace on you that first few days when you found out, will be the same God to get you through the "moving on process". Wise words from a dear friend.

And so I face each new day more than thankful for my two boys, ready to serve them and really enjoying each thing they say or do. I have hope in a loving God. The reason I can face each new day with a smile is because of the abundant hope that I look forward to one day being able to see my baby in Heaven. That the all Sovereign King has chosen me to be his daughter and called me to this road where he will be glorified. Without this hope of eternal life and a God who loves me I would be sad forever - but I have HOPE! And I thank my God for my boy's lives and that He has called me to be their mother for this amount of time. And I patiently (although not that easy) wait for the day when He chooses to bless me with new life again.