Almost exactly a year ago, God began to teach us lessons
that not only were we not expecting, but also we were not prepared for in so
many ways. Last March, we started on an adoption journey that, of course, has
changed our lives in the most difficult and rewarding ways. A tiny background
to our adoption story: over the 2011-2012 school year, I was working at a
college for intellectually- handicapped students. One of the students became
pregnant over the 2011 Christmas vacation. When the faculty and staff were told
about this pregnancy, I knew instantly that God had a plan for us to be
involved in that little munchkin’s life. In fact, that very night, I went home
and told Denny that I felt weird when the announcement was made because somehow
I knew that God was telling me to open my heart to this newly-formed life. Denny
and I have been married for a little over 6 years without the ability to have
children, but had only recently started to even consider adoption as a
possibility. We had no knowledge of the adoption process. We just knew that in
general, if God wanted us to have a child, we would have one. Then one day, as
I was teaching a class in the gym, Linc’s birth mother came up to me, and so
eloquently asked, “So, hey, Mrs. Vauters, do you want him?” From that point on,
the journey for Lincoln took us up steep mountains and into deep valleys – with
many cliffs and stumbling points along the way. Through this intense journey,
God taught us many lessons.
Firstly, God is teaching us more about His faithfulness and
love. In my head, I know that God is faithful. Even in my heart, I know that
God is faithful. I have seen his faithfulness to Denny and me more times than I
can count. But our understanding of God’s faithfulness became richer and deeper
with this adoption experience. God was faithful to us when we were told by the
birth mother’s parents that we could adopt the baby, only to find out 6 weeks
later that that the birth father’s mother was going to fight the adoption every
step of the way. The whole summer last summer went back and forth like that,
but God was teaching us that He was faithful no matter who else was not. We
could trust Him for our best. A huge
part of this adoption process for me was daily dealing with a birth mother who
struggled with placing her baby for adoption because she was given up for
adoption by parents who did not want her. Also, she struggles with emotional and
intellectual disabilities that do not always allow her to reason correctly.
Both of those variables caused Lincoln’s birth mother to change her mind many
times during the adoption process, causing massive confusion for our emotions. However,
God taught us that his faithfulness does not mean that we always get what we
want or have situations proceed smoothly, but that we can trust in a God who
never lets us go and who is always a compassionate Father. During difficult
times on difficult days (and there were many), I would sing to myself:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
Your love never fails; it never gives up; it never runs out on me.
And on and on and on and on it goes.
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul.
And I never, ever have to be afraid.
Secondly, God is teaching us more about our own profound inadequacies. The
journey for Lincoln was beyond what we could bear on our own. Never have our
emotional, physical, and spiritual lives been so upended. Before this adoption
journey, I would have described our lives as mostly neat and orderly.
Everything was organized and well-planned. Everything was systematic. And then
God decided to open our hearts to Lincoln – and believe me, absolutely
everything about our neatly-ordered lives changed. I have always struggled with
wanting to have the illusion of controlling my circumstances, and God brought
me to a place of submission about that. I had to let go of the control I so
desperately wanted and let God do a work in my heart. To let go of my illusion
of control meant a few things: I needed to open my heart to feel deeply. That
was probably one of the hardest parts of this process for me. Each day, not
knowing what Linc’s birth mother would be thinking, but knowing that I had to
face whatever was thrown at me that day truly brought me to my knees. I told
myself hundreds of times a day that God is good, and He gives good gifts to his
children. If we were not going to end up with a child at the end of this
process, then I needed to fully accept that that was God’s best for me.
Transparently, that is not an easy lesson to accept. Denny and I came to the
point of truly wanting God’s glory to be revealed through the situation,
whether that meant deep hurt for us, but I came to that conclusion slowly and
stumblingly. I wrestled with the Lord on a daily basis, and would sing myself
songs and rehearse Scripture over and over as I struggled with my confusing
feelings. Two days before Lincoln was born, I was at a doctor’s appointment
with Lincoln’s birth mother, and at the appointment (on his actual due date),
she told me that she was planning to keep the baby. I dropped her off after the
“announcement,” and I literally could not even drive home because I was crying
so hard. I prayed the whole way home for submission to God’s will.
Also, letting go of control meant that I had to trust God
instead of fearing what could happen. Both of Lincoln’s birth parents are
disabled. Because I spent so much time with Lincoln’s birth mother each day, I
knew the possibilities of the disabilities that could be passed down to
Lincoln. However, neither of us knew that Lincoln’s birth father also has
severe intellectual disabilities until the day we met him at the termination
hearing. So, I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the worst instead
of trusting God’s goodness. But Denny challenged me to hope in God. Not to just
flounder along with an undefined expectation, but to trust in a God who gives
to his children far above what they could ask or think. As Lewis once said, “I
asked God for answers and his answer was Himself.”
Thirdly, God has taught us more about his rich blessings. I
look back over the past year, and see the most difficult year of our lives. We
struggled in almost every area along with the stress of the adoption journey:
adopting Lincoln and the loss of Denny’s job happening simultaneously were
financially more than we could handle, the stress in our lives from the
adoption was complicated by family issues and other issues. At the termination
of parental rights hearing, we met Lincoln’s birth father and his mother,
Lincoln’s grandmother. Initially, she was hostile to us, misunderstanding much
of the process of what had happened up to that point. The Holy Spirit tugged at
my heart, and led me to offer Lincoln to her while we were waiting for DNA
testing. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done because I
wanted to cling to Lincoln, but as soon as I gave him over to her, she started
sobbing, and we were able to sit down for about an hour and explain our love
for Lincoln and our desire that she let us adopt him. The Lord used that hour
to change her heart, and richly bless us. As I see the “heat” that God has
given to us, I see it as the means that brought about God’s rich blessing to
us. We have the blessing of having been changed (and still being changed). It’s
hard to verbalize or explain, but through this journey, God has opened up our
hearts to a deeper sensitivity to his working in our lives. He developed in us
a greater love for hearing his word preached and discussed. He has shown us
more deeply our thankfulness for what he has saved us from and the undeserved
grace he has extended to us at the cross. Ultimately, He has blessed us with a
son: a beautiful, little boy (and for those of you who know him, he is anything
but little).
Some days, I struggle to “make it” with the daily stress of an
infant and other life circumstances God
has for us right now, but on days like that, I will “count my blessings,” which
are beyond counting.
The verse we picked for Linc’s dedication is I
Samuel 1:27. Lincoln officially became a
Vauters on December 18th, but I know that God designed our circumstances so
that we were given so many other lessons for us to learn about His character.
How thankful we are that the answer through life’s questions is God Himself!
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